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Love & Respect | 
 enlarge | Creator: Emerson Eggerichs
Publisher: Oasis Audio
Category: Book
List Price: $27.99
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Rating:  255 reviews
Sales Rank: 18116
Format: Abridged, Audiobook, Cd
Media: Audio CD
Edition: Abridged
Number Of Items: 1
Pages: 6
Shipping Weight (lbs): 0.5
Dimensions (in): 5.7 x 5 x 1
ISBN: 1589267109
Dewey Decimal Number: 248
EAN: 9781589267107
ASIN: 1589267109
Publication Date: July 15, 2004
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Product Description
Successful couples know that harmony and happiness in marriage are not achieved by love alone. There is the other side of the Ephesians 5:33 equation - respect. Yes, a wife needs love. But a husband needs respect. Based on extensive biblical and scientific research, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs reveals the secret to couples meeting each other's deepest needs: Without love she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love and a destructive, vicious cycle begins. Love and Respect is a groundbreaking audiobook which offers much-needed help to husbands and wives everywhere. It introduces the biblical teaching of unconditional respect, and that it is as powerful as unconditional love. Discover the secret revealed by God that cracks the communication code between male and female and reap the benefits of marriage as God intended.
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| Customer Reviews: Read 250 more reviews...
 Great Advice January 4, 2009
1 out of 1 found this review helpful
I'm a beliver, but do not attend church regularly and have a pretty easy-going view of religion generally. Someone gave this to us as a wedding gift and I was very skeptical. I picked it up a few nights ago and just started looking at it for the first time (we've been married 4 months) and then I couldn't put it down. I stayed up all night and read it cover to cover. I did feel like he was speaking just to me, and that he had somehow overheard our arguments and fights b/c he was giving examples that were almost verbatim what we say to one another when angry. I didn't know exactly why I got so mad, or why he got so mad at me and it finally made me really see. I was saddened and overjoyed at the same time, for realizing how hurtful we had both been to each other but now knowing what we could do better. After seeing how moved I was by the book, he has agreed to read it as well. We have a happy marriage, but we do have conflicts and they can tend to spiral out of control easily.
I don't agree that it is geared more toward what women should do. He has two seperate sections, one about what men need to do and one about what women need to do. He does talk about respect a little more, but b/c that is the "newer" concept of the book and the one that is a little more difficult to really grasp and understand. My only complaint is that he repeats himself often, and provides too many reader testimonials. Some examples are good, but I felt it was a little overkill. He does generalize, but I don't think in a sexist way. If you believe that God created man and woman with different skills, abilities and natures that are equal and complimentary, then nothing he points out in that regard should be offensive.
It was eye-opening to have the Bible passages on marriage discussed and explained in detail. I had never had that knowledge, and it wasn't even discussed well in our pre-marriage counseling at the church. The main points that really hit home for me were that spouses don't usually mean to hurt one another, and are generally approaching issues with good intentions; communication breakdowns are common and need to be recognized immediately to avoid escilating conflict; that once you see those two things you can approach conflict without getting defensive; and most importantly that none of the things that he instructs in the book are his instructions, and that while you do them for your spouse and your relationship, you do them first for God b/c that is what he has commanded in the Bible. By serving and obeying God, you are serving your marriage and he will bless it, and both spouses with the ability to love, respect and forgive.
I highly recommend to newly married couples. He had many examples of troubled marriages 20 and 30 years in. I'm so greatful that we found this early, so hopefully we can prevent years of discord and conflict by getting off on the right foot to begin with.
Eggerichs Offers Solid Contribution to Marital Relationship Books December 30, 2008
I wasn't too sure what to expect, when I first picked this book up, as "Christian" relationship books run a wide gamut concerning what they teach. Some are heavy on Scripture with few psychological insights while others are more psychology-based with a few Bible verses thrown in almost as an afterthought. I must say, though, I was pleasantly surprised to find that Eggerichs' book did a good job of presenting a Biblically-based view of marriage backed with key insights he learned while practicing family counseling. Eggerichs' career and educational background (he has a Masters of Divinity and a Ph.D. in child and family ecology) in both fields also help him transition seamlessly between providing keen psychological analysis and knowledgeable Biblical interpretation throughout the book.
The premise of Eggerichs' book is primarily based around two Scripture passages:
Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Eph. 5:33)
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so thateven if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. (I Peter 3:1,2)
Using these verses as the foundation of his book, Eggerichs states that, while the thing women most need and desire in a relationship is love, men most need and desire respect. Unfortunately, Eggerichs writes, both sexes naturally give their other half in a relationship what they most want, so the end result is that women give men love and men give women respect. Thus begins what Eggerichs terms the "Crazy Cycle" when neither the man's need for respect nor the woman's need for love is being met and this, in turn, makes it even harder for these fundamental needs to be met than before. Eggerichs explains:
"When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)
"The Love and Respect Connection is clearly within Scripture, but so is the constant threat that the connection can be strained or broken...This thing triggers itself. Without love, she reacts without respect. Without respect, he reacts without love - ad nauseam. Thus was born the Crazy Cycle!"
After further explaining the Crazy Cycle, Eggerichs uses most of the rest of the book to coach couples how to break the Crazy Cycle and enter the Energizing Couple, where the wife's respect for her husband fuels his love for her and vice versa.
To help with this, he employs the use of two acronyms to help couples. For husbands, Eggerichs states they can spell love to their wives using the acronym C-O-U-P-L-E:
Closeness - She wants you to be close
Openness - She wants you to open up to her
Understanding - Don't try to fix her; just listen
Peacemaking - She wants you to say, "I'm sorry"
Loyalty - She needs to know you're committed
Esteem - She wants you to honor and cherish her
Eggerichs offers the acronym of C-H-A-I-R-S to help wives understand how to better respect their husbands:
Conquest - Appreciate his desire to work and achieve
Hierarchy - Appreciate his desire to protect and provide
Authority - Appreciate his desire to serve and to lead
Insight - Appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel
Relationship - Appreciate his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship
Sexuality - Appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy
In the book there is a chapter devoted to each of these concepts to allow each idea to be fully explored and considered.
Near the end of the book, Eggerichs brings everything together for the believer. He writes:
Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord. Primarily, you don't practice love and respect to meet your needs in your marriage, as important as these are. Your first goal is to obey and please Christ. When you try to do this, often (but not always) your needs are met, and these are wonderful by-products and blessings. But your first goal is to obey and please the Lord.
Later in the book, Eggerichs emphasizes the unconditional aspect of the love and respect we are to give our spouses. In marriage, as in most of life, our response cannot be dictated by our spouse's behavior and actions toward us. Rather, husbands must always strive to love their wives regardless of their wives' respectful or disrespectful behavior and vice versa. As Eggerichs states, "No matter how depressing or irritating my spouse might be, my response is my responsibility."
Another thing I found helpful were the appendices in the back of the book. In the first appendix, Eggerichs gives specific statements a husband and wife can use in the midst of conflict to communicate without saying something hurtful or demeaning to your spouse. He also offers tips on how to lighten the mood during an argument and things to never say - no matter how frustrated or angry you are at a given moment. The second appendix contains a mini-questionnaire for husbands and wives to use to help examine their own attitudes of love and respect toward each other. In another appendix, Eggerichs writes how husbands and wives can ask their spouse to meet a specific need they feel is not currently being fulfilled in their marriage. Other "extras" include a section dealing with exceptions to the love and respect connection and a section dedicated to wives who have a husband who is a workaholic.
There were some things i did not like though. Early in the book, Eggerichs explains to his readers that men and women have fundamental differences in their perspectives on life. He attempts to explain this difference by saying men see the world through blue sunglasses and women see the world through pink sunglasses. Maybe I'm being overly harsh, but it just seems relationship books have been inundated with cheesy analogies like this one to illustrate the different ways men and women are fundamentally different in recent years (e.g. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus; Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti, etc.). Enough! We get it. Men and women are different. Stop with the hokey illustrations, already!
Another, more serious, problem I had with the book were Eggerichs' attempts to blame the vast majority of marital problems on simple communication misunderstandings, stating that most men and women had "good intentions" when it came to their interactions with their spouse. While it is undoubtedly true that many problems are caused by communication breakdowns and I wholeheartedly believe an attitude of grace and forgiveness should permeate a marriage, it seems Eggerichs downplays the effect of mankind's sinful nature.
Perhaps Eggerichs just wants to emphasize that every benefit of the doubt should be extended to our spouses (something I wholeheartedly agree with!) but reading through Love and Respect it was easy to get the impression that every marital spat, fight, argument and discord could be attributed to a simple misunderstanding; that a "good" and "well-meaning" husband or wife would never intentionally hurt the feelings or demean their significant other. This is simply not true and ignores the fundamental problem in any marriage - that it consists of two totally depraved sinners!
Overall Eggerichs' book is one of the better treatments on marital relationships I have read in quite a while. The counsel Eggerichs offers, though based on Scripture, is amazingly original in today's world. Indeed, Karen and I read seemingly countless books (secular and Christian) before we got married on marital relationships, but I don't remember a book even mentioning respect for husbands, much less fully exploring the topic like Eggerichs does here. With divorce rates sky-rocketing and premarital cohabitation at an all-time high, this is a message our society needs to hear.
Though not perfect or comprehensive, Eggerichs dispenses sound advice that couples can use in their relationships to work toward a happier and more fulfilling marriage. Much more than a bunch of unrelated practical tips (e.g. Set aside a date night once a week, etc.) Eggerichs examines how husbands and wives can meet the most basic and essential needs of their spouse.
 Take it with a grain of salt... December 29, 2008
I am a Christian woman who constantly looks for books on how to keep my marriage healthy and loving. I found this book a bit irritating and could not read through a single chapter completely.
In my opinion, it is geared more toward men and what they "deserve" in a marriage, rather than a balanced look at how both men AND women should act in a godly marriage. I wouldn't recommend it, although I did see a few good pointers in the midst of rolling my eyes.
 A Book that offers a real solution! December 29, 2008
When I first read this book I was hesitant. I had the feeling the author was on the man's side and telling us women to show some respect then we'll get love. But I gave it a chance and found that he was fair. He gives both husband and wife their responsibility to give to the other unconditionally. We've been married for 8 years and the book revealed to me what we have been getting wrong. Not every book is for everyone. But this book was definitely for me. It's worth giving it a chance.
Egalitarian review of L&R December 23, 2008
0 out of 1 found this review helpful
Egal Review of Emerson Eggerichs' "Love and Respect" by Don
Here is my attempt to extract the insights from L&R that could be useful for egals as well as identify those portions that are a concern to egals.
Throughout the book the author refers to people of good will doing this process. There is a basic assumption that both spouses are trying to act in faith, admitting when they are wrong,
although the more mature one is expected to initiate. As he is trying to encourage more loving and respectful marriages, he does not discuss much about marriage covenant violations that may result in divorce being the best option, so another resource should be consulted for this aspect, such as David Instone-Brewer. He does give some short examples of hopeless cases recovering.
Crazy Cycle - good insights of one possible way to go crazy with your spouse and be feeding the craziness perhaps without knowing one is feeding it.
Energizing Cycle
For husbands: COUPLE is the acronym for loving your wife
1. Closeness - good insights
2. Openness - good insights - need for emotional intimacy
3. Understanding - good insights - sometimes just listening is what is requested
4. Peacemaking - good insights - be willing to say you are sorry
5. Loyalty - good insights - commitment
6. Esteem - good insights - essentially like Respect, why use a different word?
For wives: CHAIRS is the acronym for respecting your husband
1. Conquest - good insights - appreciate accomplishments
2. Hierarchy - not egal, anti-egal discussion is weak, replace with full egal partnership
3. Authority - not egal, anti-egal discussion is weak, replace with full egal partnership
4. Insight - contrasted with her intuition, some good insights, some non-egal teaching
5. Relationship - good insights about "shoulder to shoulder" friendship
6. Sexuality - good insights - do not expect to win thru deprivation
On the aspects that contain good insights, it might well be true that they apply to most men or most women; but your specific case might be in a minority so be sure to ask each other about the 10 items about that might apply to them that are not inherently non-egal. For example, achievement may be very important for a wife and loyalty for a husband.
Rewarded Cycle - some good insights, obey God as your motive
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